What price, victory?

When I was a child, I thought as a child, spoke as a child, acted as a child. Now that I am grown...

Most of us with even a little life experience under our belts would admit some regret about the past. "If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, what a different set of choices I'd make," we often lament. It is said that hindsight is 20/20. There is truth to that. But a higher truth is this: If we learn from our mistakes, are we not able to produce better results in the future? No sin, no failure, no loss - no matter how great it may seem - is insurmountable in the face of God.

Yes, I am a Christian. I haven't always been this way, you know. When I was in my late teens, I experienced an event that caused me to stare into the sky and question God's existence. "If you exist, God, you'd best make yourself real to me. Otherwise, I'm going to leave this whole belief at the wayside and live life the way I think it should be lived," I said. Wouldn't you know that my mind was already made up and my path was already set, but He had other plans - and in my experience, my Father always gets his way.

Though God did light a flame in my heart some nights later - one that put an unyielding desire to know Him inside me - my life for the next few years would be a hard, rocky, and regret-filled existence. I fell in love with a non-believer, joined the military, and eventually had a son. I experienced rejection, fear, loss of any sort of self-worth or self-esteem, and confusion. I lost face in front of everyone I'd ever known (if I had ever had any to begin with), including my wife. Since she wasn't spirit-filled, came from a background of abuse and divorce, and had just as much baggage coming into the marriage as I did, my marriage began to see trouble early on that eventually drew my wife away from me to lead her own life, separately.

It was only after I left the military and came to the end of myself for the final time that I began to seek God with every aspect of my being, with every breath, with every thought. I moved in with my parents (which, in retrospect, probably did nothing but damage my self-image, motivation, and relationship with my wife). I spent every waking hour either praying, reading the word, battling my flesh, or pondering what I knew about God. I began to attend a fellowship for men at the local Christian mission in a nearby town, and through interaction with other Christians, began to develop and nurture the seeds of faith which had been sown in my heart since I was a child.

It was there that God showed me what true agape love is. Unfortunately, it was too late to save my marriage, as my wife had already decided that I wasn't a man worth being married to. Ironic: the more I laid hold of the tools required to repair my marriage, the more distant my wife became. Likely, this had a lot to do with her status as an unbeliever - something that I'm praying about every night. Someone once told me that light and dark cannot coexist, and while I'm hesitant to say anything judgemental about my wife, she does not lead a Christian walk, namely because (unless I am mistaken) she is not a born-again believer. The devil does work overtime to steal the Word that I attempt to sow into her life, and she refuses to hear or believe.

Recently, I had come to the point where all I was doing was throwing myself up against a brick wall. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results. Since God gave me a sound mind, insanity is obviously not what I should be operating under. I had to give up Danielle, my precious wife, to Him completely. It's still a struggle - the pain is still there, and there are many wounds that will have to be healed. I do not know at this point whether Danielle and I will ever reunite, but whatever happens, my heart belongs to God.

And I will trust in Him.

Recently I've been speaking more faith over my life. It is said that faith is the evidence of things unseen. I do not see things in my life with my natural observation, but the more I spend time in the Word of God and meditate on His promises, the more real they become. I will continue to speak the Word over my life, and I believe that God will cut out the seeds of unbelief that have taken up root in my heart over the years. The Tree of Life, as it is described, is the only vegetation I allow to grow in my heart now.

The foundation of my story having been laid, I break camp and sojourn once more. To God be the glory forever. Amen.